Courtship is the period when some couples become familiar with each other prior to a possible marriage or committed relationship. Courtship traditionally may begin after a betrothal and may conclude with the celebration of marriage. A courtship may be an informal and private matter between two people or may be a public affair, or a formal arrangement with family approval. Traditionally, in the case of a formal heterosexual engagement, it is the role of a male to actively "court" or "woo" a female, thus encouraging the female to be receptive to a marriage proposal.
Courtship as a social practice is a relatively recent phenomenon, emerging only within the last few centuries. From the standpoint of anthropology and sociology, courtship is linked with other institutions such as marriage and the family which have changed rapidly, having been subject to the effects of advances in technology and medicine.
In non-human animals, courtship refers to sexual behavior that precedes copulation.
Contents
History
In the past, marriages in most societies were arranged by parents and older relatives with the goal not being love but legacy and "economic stability and political alliances", according to anthropologists. Accordingly, there was little need for a temporary trial period such as courtship before a permanent community-recognized union was formed between a man and a woman. While pair-bonds of varying forms were recognized by most societies as acceptable social arrangements, marriage was reserved for heterosexual pairings and had a transactional nature, where wives were in many cases a form of property being exchanged between father and husband, and who would have to serve the function of reproduction. Communities exerted pressure on people to form pair-bonds in places such as Europe; in China, society "demanded people get married before having a sexual relationship" and many societies found that some formally recognized bond between a man and a woman was the best way of rearing and educating children as well as helping to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings regarding competition for mates.
Generally, during much of recorded history of humans in civilization, and into the Middle Ages in Europe, marriages were seen as business arrangements between families, while romance was something that happened outside of marriage discreetly, such as covert meetings. The 12th-century book The Art of Courtly Love advised that "True love can have no place between husband and wife". According to one view, clandestine meetings between men and women, generally outside of marriage or before marriage, were the precursors to today's courtship.
From about 1700 a worldwide movement perhaps described as the "empowerment of the individual" took hold, leading towards greater emancipation of women and equality of individuals. Men and women became more equal politically, financially, and socially in many nations. In the early 20th centuries, women gradually won the right to vote starting in the first sovereign nation Norway in 1913, and to own property and receive equal treatment by the law, and these changes had profound impacts on the relationships between men and women and parental influence declined. In many societies, individuals could decide—on their own—whether they should marry, whom they should marry, and when they should marry in a "courtship ritual where young women entertained gentleman callers, usually in the home, under the watchful eye of a chaperone", but increasingly, in many Western countries, it became a self-initiated activity with two young people going out as a couple in public together. Still, courtship varies considerably by nation, custom, religious upbringing, technology, and social class, and important exceptions with regards to individual freedoms remain as many countries today still practice arranged marriages, request dowries, and forbid same-sex pairings. Although in many countries, movies, meals, and meeting in coffeehouses and other places is now popular, as are advice books suggesting various strategies for men and women, in other parts of the world, such as in South Asia and many parts of the Middle East, being alone in public as a couple is not only frowned upon but can even lead to either person being socially ostracized.
Duration
The average duration of courtship varies considerably throughout the world. Furthermore, there is vast individual variation between couples. Courtship may be completely omitted, as in cases of some arranged marriages where the couple do not meet before the wedding.
In the United Kingdom, a poll of 3,000 engaged or married couples resulted in an average duration between first meeting and accepted proposal of marriage of 2 years and 11 months, with the women feeling ready to accept at an average of 2 years and 7 months. Regarding duration between proposal and wedding, the UK poll above gave an average of 2 years and 3 months.
Traditions
Fairly casual in most European-influenced cultures, in some traditional societies, courtship is a highly structured activity with very specific formal rules.
In some societies, the parents or community propose potential partners and then allow limited courtship to determine whether the parties are suited. In Japan, there is such a type of courtship called Omiai, with similar practices called "Xiangqin" (相親) in the Greater China Area. Parents will hire a matchmaker to provide pictures and résumés of potential mates, and if the couple agrees, there will be a formal meeting with the matchmaker and often parents in attendance. The matchmaker and parents will often exert pressure on the couple to decide whether they want to marry after a few meetings.
Courtship in the Philippines is one complex form of courtship. Unlike other societies, it takes a far more subdued and indirect approach. Its complexity involves stages, and it is considered normal for courtship to last a year or longer. It is common to see a man showing off by sending love letters and love poems, singing romantic songs, and buying gifts for a woman. The parents are also seen as part of the courtship practice, as their approval is commonly needed before courtship may begin or before the woman gives the man an answer to his advances.
In more closed societies, courtship is virtually eliminated by the practice of arranged marriages in which partners are chosen for young people, typically by their parents. Forbidding experimental and serial courtship and sanctioning only arranged matches is partly a means of guarding the chastity of young people and partly a matter of furthering family interests, which, in such cultures, may be considered more important than individual romantic preferences.
Throughout history, courtship has often included traditions such as exchanging valentines, written correspondence (facilitated by the creation of the postal service in the nineteenth century), and similar communication-based courting. Over recent decades, though, the concept of arranged marriage has changed or simply been mixed with other forms of courtship, including Eastern and Indian ones. Potential couples have the opportunity to meet and socialise with each other before deciding whether to continue the relationship.
Courtship in social theory
Courtship is used by a number of theorists to explain gendering processes and sexual identity. Scientific research into courtship began in the 1980s, after which time academic researchers started to generate theories about modern courtship practices and norms. Researchers have found that, contrary to popular beliefs, courtship is normally triggered and controlled by women, driven mainly by non-verbal behaviours, to which men respond. One of the functions of romantic love is courtship.
This is generally supported by other theorists who specialise in the study of body language. There are some feminist scholars, however, who regard courtship as a socially constructed (and male-led) process organised to subjugate women. Farrell reports, for example, that magazines about marriage and romantic fiction continue to attract a 98% female readership. Systematic research into courtship processes inside the workplace as well as two ten-year studies examining norms in different international settings continue to support a view that courtship is a social process that socialises both sexes into accepting forms of relationship that maximise the chances of successfully raising children.
Commercial courtship services
As technology has progressed, so too have the methods of courtship. In online courtship, individuals create profiles where they disclose personal information, photographs, hobbies, interests, religion and expectations. Then the user can search through hundreds of thousands of accounts and connect with multiple people at once which in return, gives the user more options and more opportunity to find what meets their standards. Online courtship has influenced the idea of choice. In Modern Romance: An Investigation, Aziz Ansari states that one third of marriages in the United States between 2005 and 2012 met through online courtship services.
Today there are hundreds of sites to choose from and websites designed to fit specific needs such as Match, eHarmony, OkCupid, Zoosk, and ChristianMingle. Mobile apps, such as Grindr and Tinder allow users to upload profiles that are then judged by others on the service; one can either swipe right on a profile (indicating interest) or swipe left (which presents another possible mate).
Technology
The Internet has become a medium through which people connect. Instagram, Facebook, Skype, Snapchat, WhatsApp, and many other applications may facilitate remote connections.
Online courtship tools are an alternate way to meet potential mates. Many people use online dating mobile apps such as Tinder, Grindr, or Bumble which allow a user to accept or reject another user with a single swipe of a finger. Some critics have suggested that matchmaking algorithms are imperfect and are "no better than chance" for the task of identifying acceptable partners. Others have suggested that the speed and availability of emerging technologies may be undermining the possibility for couples to have long-term meaningful relationships when finding a replacement partner has potentially become too easy.
Worldwide
Courtship customs and habits vary considerably throughout the world. The average duration of courtship before proceeding to engagement or marriage varies considerably throughout the world.
Africa
According to one source, there are four ways that marriage can happen among the Nyangatom people: (1) arranged marriage, when well-respected elders are sent to the girl's family on behalf of the boy's family; (2) courtship after a friendly meeting between boy and girl such as at a market place or holiday where there's dancing; (3) abduction, such as during a blood feud between families; (4) inheritance.
In North Africa like in many parts of the Middle East, sex without marriage is considered unacceptable. Courtship in North Africa is predominantly done under family supervision, usually in a public place.
Asia
Asia is a mix of traditional approaches with involvement by parents and extended families such as arranged marriages as well as modern courtship. In many cultural traditions, including some in South Asia, and the Middle East and to some extent East Asia, as in the case of Omiai in Japan and the similar "Xiangqin" (相親) practiced in the Greater China Area, a date may be arranged by a third party, who may be a family member, acquaintance, or professional matchmaker.
Patterns of courtship are changing in China, with increased modernization bumping into traditional ways.
A 2003 report in China Daily suggested that courtship for most Chinese university women was "difficult", required work, stole time away from academic advancement, and placed women in a precarious position of having to balance personal success against traditional Chinese relationships. Many women were reported to have high standards for men they sought, but also worried that their academic credentials could "scare away more traditional Chinese men". It was reportedly difficult finding places to have privacy, since many dormitory rooms had eight or more pupils in one suite, while courtship in restaurants tended to be expensive. One student remarked: "American couples drink and dance together. But in China, we study together."
Romantic love is more difficult during times of financial stress, and economic forces can encourage singles, particularly women, to select a partner primarily on financial considerations. Some men postpone marriage until their financial position is more secure and use wealth to help attract women. One trend is towards exclusive matchmaking events for the 'rich and powerful'; for example, an annual June event in Wuhan with expensive entry-ticket prices for men (99,999 RMB) lets financially secure men choose so-called bikini brides based on their beauty and education, and the financial exclusivity of the event was criticized by the official news outlet China Daily. Surveys though from 2015 to 2018 suggest that the majority of Chinese respondents (especially college students) would place the character and personality of their partners above material assets, with also increasing acceptance towards evenly splitting bills or going Dutch.
There have been conflicting reports on expatriate courtship in China's capital city. One account in 2006 suggested the courtship scene in Beijing to be "sad" with particular difficulties for foreign women hoping to find romance. It was reportedly due to the cold, uninterested, or unappealing attitudes of the male expats and the shyness and cultural differences of the Chinese men, and another account in 2010 documented similar, if slightly improved results. A different report in 2010, though, suggested that some Chinese men preferred Western women, viewing them as less girlish and materialistic, and also more independent and straightforward than Chinese women. A 2016 survey of Chinese students abroad, however, imply there have been significant barriers to foreign courtship, and the intermarriage rate of Chinese women in Shanghai has been decreasing.
North America
One report suggested the United States as well as other western-oriented countries were different from the rest of the world because "love is the reason for mating", as opposed to marriages being arranged to cement economic and class ties between families and promote political stability. Courtship–known there as 'dating'–by mutual consent of two single people, is the norm. British writer Kira Cochrane, after moving to the U.S., found herself grappling with the American approach to courtship. She wondered why it was acceptable to juggle "10 potential partners" while weighing different attributes; she found American-style dating to be "exhausting and strange". She found courtship in America to be "organized in a fairly formal fashion" with men approaching women and asking point blank for a date; she found this to be "awkward". She described the socially constructed "third date rule" which was that women were not supposed to have sex until the third date even if they desired it, although men were supposed to try for sex. She wrote: "Dating rules almost always cast the man as aggressor, and the woman as prey, which frankly makes me feel nauseous." Canadian writer Danielle Crittenden, chronicling female angst, criticized a tendency not to take courtship seriously and suggested that postponing marriage into one's thirties was problematic:
By waiting and waiting and waiting to commit to someone, our capacity for love shrinks and withers. This doesn't mean that women or men should marry the first reasonable person to come along, or someone with whom they are not in love. But we should, at a much earlier age than we do now, take a serious attitude toward dating and begin preparing ourselves to settle down. For it's in the act of taking up the roles we've been taught to avoid or postpone––wife, husband, mother, father––that we build our identities, expand our lives, and achieve the fullness of character we desire.
Journalist Emily Witt in 2016 wrote that while "social mores had changed to accept a wider range of sexual practices", there was still much "loneliness and anxiety". She traveled to San Francisco and began dating a lot, using Internet dating services and apps, and sometimes going to singles' bars alone, only to find that the "romantic-comedy concept of love" with a "perfect, permanent, tea-for-two ending" was not going to happen to her.
There is evidence that couples differ in the pace and timing with which they initiate sex in their relationships. Studies show that approximately 50% of premarital young adult couples become sexually involved within the first month of dating, while 25% initiate sex one to three months after beginning to date and a small proportion of couples wait until marriage before initiating sexual relations.
Europe
In Britain, if two people are 'going out together' their relationship has normally advanced to a relatively long-standing and sexual boyfriend-girlfriend relationship although they are not cohabiting. Writer Kira Cochrane advises to "get out there and meet people" while noting a trend of temporary suspension of marriage until an individual reaches his or her thirties. She sees a trend for developing new ways of meeting people. In contrast, writer Bibi van der Zee found etiquette rules to be helpful, and found that supposedly liberated advice such as "just be yourself" to be the "most useless advice in history". She expresses frustration following fruitless sexual relationships, and that her mid twenties saw relationships with partners who were less willing to return phone calls or display interest in long-term commitment. She felt "clueless and unwanted", she wrote, and found advice books such as The Rules helpful. British writer Henry Castiglione signed up for a "weekend flirting course" and found the experience helpful; he was advised to talk to and smile at everyone he met. Emailing back-and-forth, after meeting on a website, is one way to get to know people in Britain, and elsewhere.
In the UK, one estimate from 2009 was that 15 million people are single, and half of these are seeking a long-term relationship; three-quarters of them have not been in a relationship for more than 18 months. A Pew study in 2005 which examined Internet users in long-term relationships including marriage, found that many met by contacts at work or at school. In a twelve-month period, the average number of assignations that a single person will have is four. When courting, 43% of people 'google' potential partners ahead of time. Almost five million Britons used dating websites in 2008. A third admitting to lying on their profile. A fifth of married individuals between 19 and 25 met their spouse online. One poll in 2009 of 3,000 couples suggested that the average duration of their courtship period, between first meeting to the acceptance of a marriage proposal, was three years. In 2017 Britain online fraud victim numbers were at record high. According to the National Fraud Intelligence Bureau, there were 3,889 victims of so-called romance fraud in 2016. who handed over a record £39m. Online safety in the UK is a concern for authorities and individuals.
While analysts such as Harald Martenstein and others suggest that it is easier for persons to initiate contact in America, many Germans view the American dating habits as "unspontaneous", "ridiculous" and "rigid". Until the 1960s, countries such as Germany, Switzerland and Austria had a more formal approach for first contacts that was eased during seasonal festivals like carnival and festivals and funfairs like the Oktoberfest, which allowed for more casual flirts.
Oceania
A study revealed that 50% of Australians agreed it was permissible to request to 'go out' via a text message but not acceptable to break up this way. Flirting while texting, dubbed flirtext, was more likely to be done by girls after a relationship was started. A survey of newspaper readers suggested it was time to abandon the "old fashioned rule" of men paying for the first outing, based on women's greater earning capacity.
South America
In Brazil there is a longer time interval before children move out of the house, which affects courtship. As a result, parents offer advice about courtship although it may not be heeded.
LGBT+
Courtship behavior of non-heterosexual individuals does not always reflect their self-ascribed sexual orientation. Some of them recognized from early age that they are attracted to the same sex or both/all sexes, but may initially adhere to heterosexual norms in their courtship behaviors. Some individuals who identify as LGBT+ in one way or another but are questioning or have not come out to their peers and family may wait years before they start courting their preferred sex.
According to a Psychology Today report, men who identify as homosexual recognize their same-sex attraction in their late teens or early twenties, and they tend to care more about physical attractiveness than the status of a prospective partner. Men who identify as homosexual, on average, tend to have more sexual partners, while women who identify as lesbian tend to form steadier one-on-one relationships, and tend to be less promiscuous than heterosexual women.
In India, transgender individuals and eunuchs have used internet dating to help them find partners, but there continue to be strong societal pressures which marginalize them.
Matchmakers
People can meet other people on their own or the get-together can be arranged by someone else. Matchmaking is an art based entirely on hunches, since it is impossible to predict with certainty whether two people will like each other or not. "All you should ever try and do is make two people be in the same room at the same time", advised matchmaker Sarah Beeny in 2009, and the only rule is to make sure the people involved want to be set up. One matchmaker advised it was good to match "brains as well as beauty" and try to find people with similar religious and political viewpoints. They added that finding like-minded people results in more matches, although acknowledged that opposites sometimes attract.
Friends as matchmakers
Friends remain a common way for people to meet. However, the Internet promises to overtake friends in the future, if present trends continue. A friend can introduce two people who do not know each other, and the friend may play matchmaker and send them on a blind date.
Family as matchmakers
Parents, via their contacts with associates or neighbors or friends, can introduce their children to each other. In India, parents often place matrimonial ads in newspapers or online, and may post the resumes of the prospective bride or groom.
Matchmaking systems and services
Matchmaking systems can be systematic and organized ways to improve matchmaking by using rules or technology. The meeting can be in-person or live as well as separated by time or space such as by telephone or email or chat-based. The purpose of the meeting is for the two persons to decide whether to go out together in the future.